Today I’m feeling like “a not so good Mom”. I could blame it on hormones, I could blame it on the heat outside (southern California is burning up), I could even blame it on fifth grade. The reality is that I often struggle with thoughts of inadequacy and failure. The fear of failing as a mother hunts me day and night. The fact that I’m responsible for two little creatures that drive me insanely crazy is a scary thought. Something I say or don’t say could mess them up for ever. Not only am I responsible for my health, I’m responsible for theirs. Their doing well in school depends on me and if a behaviour issue comes up I feel like is a reflexion of something I did or didn’t do. My mom told me when I got pregnant with my first child, that motherhood was the most beautiful thing a woman could experience. What she failed to tell me was that it is also the most challenging thing EVER. That there would be days when I would want to drop the towel and run away. Days when I would have to build them up even when I’m crawling in my despair. That motherhood is all about delayed gratification.
My days are 5-hour days. From 8am to 2pm I must do everything I need to do. Go to the market, the dry cleaner, squeeze an hour work out, come home to make beds, pick up the kitchen to wipe away the evidence of the morning madness, try to take a shower, do a load of laundry and try to fold some laundry, prep dinner and leave the house by 2pm to find parking and get my kids. After that, “my time” is no more. Homework, arguing children, extra curricular activities (tennis in our case), dinner, showers all before their bed time, because they need to get their rest and I need to clean the kitchen so the next morning it could be the witness of madness one more time.
My lovely therapist, which I can’t wait to see on Friday, told me to enjoy my kids to the fullest because one day soon they will no longer need me as much. To what I replied; WHEN? I know I must enjoy and I get it, it’s just so hard to do when you are tired and overwhelmed and trying to figure yourself out in the process. There are great days where I can see their little faces and be mesmerized by their beauty and melt at their touch and smile at everything they say. But today is not one of those days. And the hardest part? I still have to show them love and respect and be present. Today I went to the market and forgot to buy the milk, but thank God I remembered to buy the wine 🙂
til next time,
- Parent Fail – I didn’t count on motherhood being so hard (babble.com)
- Advice for New Moms – Don’t worry, I was scared of my baby, too (babble.com)
- Welcome to Motherhood aka Suck it up. (ultimatelovestory.wordpress.com)