My kids have been playing tennis for about five years. For five years I’ve been driving them to the club for practice, getting in and out and parking without ever thinking there is something wrong with the way I’m doing things, it’s all I know.
Well…on Friday I got pulled over by a cop as I pulled into the parking lot at the tennis club. “Oh no, what did I do?” I said out loud as I reassessed everyone in the car to make sure I hadn’t missed anything – like an unbuckled seatbelt or something. I got so nervous because I never get pulled over, that’s not supposed to happened to me. My armpits are tingling and sweating, I feel perspiration coming everywhere in my body and my heart is beating out of my chest as the officer approaches my car. “Ma’am ma’am ma’am you can’t make a left turn over double solid yellow lines and on top of it you stopped traffic, you could have caused an accident” all I wanted to say was “me don’t speak English” but I couldn’t…my kids were in the car and they would not let me get away with it. Anyway, all I could say was ” but I’ve been turning there for five years” to what he replied “yes ma’am but that doesn’t mean is not wrong and illegal.” He went on to ask me for license, registration and proof of insurance which I provided and then, after checking everything he let me go with just a warning.
Five years doing the exact same thing and never thought about it until this officer explains it and I actually see it clearly. I’ve been doing the same thing with myself for a long time, so long that it doesn’t feel wrong anymore. I’ve been so hard and cruel, demanding perfection and judging myself in such a way that is wrong. Demanding perfection as a mother, as a wife, as a woman. Trying to conform to what media says “beautiful” is. Trying to get validation by saying how exhausted I am at the end of the day to show how valuable I am as a stay home mom. With the stupid mentality that the more I do, the more I’m worth. Well, it’s time for me to tell myself “ma’am ma’am ma’am you can’t do that to yourself anymore and the fact that you’ve been doing it for so long doesn’t mean is not wrong”. It’s time to change the way I look at myself and my role as wife, mother and homemaker. It’s time to know who I am and not define myself by what I do. Yes, it’s about time.
Til next time,