Double Yellow Lines

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My kids have been playing tennis for about five years. For five years I’ve been driving them to the club for practice, getting in and out and parking without ever thinking there is something wrong with the way I’m doing things, it’s all I know.

Well…on Friday I got pulled over by a cop as I pulled into the parking lot at the tennis club. “Oh no, what did I do?” I said out loud as I reassessed everyone in the car to make sure I hadn’t missed anything – like an unbuckled seatbelt or something. I got so nervous because I never get pulled over, that’s not supposed to happened to me. My armpits are tingling and sweating, I feel perspiration coming everywhere in my body and my heart is beating out of my chest as the officer approaches my car. “Ma’am ma’am ma’am you can’t make a left turn over double solid yellow lines and on top of it you stopped traffic, you could have caused an accident” all I wanted to say was “me don’t speak English” but I couldn’t…my kids were in the car and they would not let me get away with it. Anyway, all I could say was ” but I’ve been turning there for five years” to what he replied “yes ma’am but that doesn’t mean is not wrong and illegal.” He went on to ask me for license, registration and proof of insurance which I provided and then, after checking everything he let me go with just a warning.

Five years doing the exact same thing and never thought about it until this officer explains it and I actually see it clearly. I’ve been doing the same thing with myself for a long time, so long that it doesn’t feel wrong anymore. I’ve been so hard and cruel, demanding perfection and judging myself in such a way that is wrong. Demanding perfection as a mother, as a wife, as a woman. Trying to conform to what media says “beautiful” is. Trying to get validation by saying how exhausted I am at the end of the day to show how valuable I am as a stay home mom. With the stupid mentality that the more I do, the more I’m worth. Well, it’s time for me to tell myself “ma’am ma’am ma’am you can’t do that to yourself anymore and the fact that you’ve been doing it for so long doesn’t mean is not wrong”. It’s time to change the way I look at myself and my role as wife, mother and homemaker. It’s time to know who I am and not define myself by what I do. Yes, it’s about time.

Til next time,

Cynthia

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7 thoughts on “Double Yellow Lines

  1. gourmandchic says:

    Yeah sometimes we do things with such routine we don’t really “see” what is happening. It takes a wake up call to do so.

  2. Beth Miller says:

    I really like that thought, just because we’ve been doing it doesn’t mean it’s right!

    The trick is to wake up and become conscious, right?

    Thanks – once again, for an a-ha moment. You are a beautiful writer.

    xoxo

    • Cynthia Matos-Medina says:

      My Gorgeous Beth,
      You are absolutely right, its about waking up becoming conscious and then making those little changes. Hope all is going well. XOXO

  3. Beautiful analogy between getting pulled over and how you view yourself as a mother. Sadly, I can relate to the being hard on yourself part. Love the line, “get validation by saying how exhausted I am at the end of the day to show how valuable I am as a stay home mom.” I often fall into this rut. But like you, I am trying not be defined my own critical thoughts. We need to give ourselves some grace and some space. Have a restful evening my friend! 🙂

    • Cynthia Matos-Medina says:

      We, often, are our worse critics. As a stay home mom we try to let it be known how important we are. we know our job is valuable but we still try to find validation. Its a vicious cycle that we must break.
      Hope your Tuesday is going well beautiful friend. XO

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