Letting Go of Wanting to Hold On

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Tuesday morning my son departed to Washington, DC on a school trip with his fifth grade classmates. What an interesting day Tuesday was for me. Excited for him to have this amazing experience, but sad for me because my boy was leaving without me. The day before, while he was in school, I packed his bag organizing his outfits by day in big space bags. I wrote notes and placed them in every bag to surprise him every day. That night as I’m tucked him in bed he started crying and he said, “Mami, I’m going to miss you and Papi and Camila”. The crying went on for awhile so I told him that he really didn’t have to go, but he said he wanted to. I kissed him and hugged him and he finally fell asleep.
4:00 am came and the alarm went off, I woke up and realized that, that morning my boy was leaving. I got bombarded with thoughts, “Will he be ok? Is he going to get home sick? I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to be miserable all the way across the country. Oh my gosh!!! I’m going to miss my boy” I was freaking out but I managed to get him up pretending I was excited and trying to keep it together. See, my boy had never been away from home without close family, so this trip is a big deal. We made it to the airport by 6:00 AM. My husband pulled up by the curve side as we were told to do, and we got out of the car. Gabriel hugged his dad goodbye and he started to cry. Immediately I took my phone and told them to pose for a picture, that took some of the intensity of the moment off. I walked in the terminal with him and right away the teacher leader of his group gave him his ticket and told him to get in line. Some kids were crying, some were laughing with friends and some were just going with the motion -Gabriel. He checked in at the counter with his luggage like a big boy and was immediately directed to the security check point line all while I looked from the distance. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me and I realized it was his way of coping with the moment. He made it through the check point, grabbed his jacket and backpack and was about to walk away until I screamed “Gabriel” he looked back, I waived, he waived back and off he went. I didn’t get to hug him nor kiss him goodbye.
My husband and I got back to the house and he went to work and then it hit me “OH SSSSSHHHHNAP I DIDN’T KISS MY BOY. I DIDN’T HUG HIM” and I started crying like a little girl. I know that was the best thing to do, not to hug him or kiss him because he and I know that would have been it. He would have lost it and so would have I, but man… I know this is a trip he will remember for the rest of his life. I know he is going to learn and have a blast. I know this is a growing experience for him and for me. I know allowing him to grow and experience things on his own is necessary and that we as parents won’t be able to hold on to them forever. I also know that letting go of wanting to hold on is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I miss my boy and I know he misses me but thank God for technology. The teachers have been posting pictures on twitter for the mental health of parents like me and once in awhile I can see him smiling and that makes this whole crazy thing a tiny bit easier. It’s only day 3 and I’m counting down the days to his return.
So I leave you now because I need to go back to twitter to see if I can see my boy one more time before he goes to bed.
CHEERS!

til next time,
Cynthia

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17 thoughts on “Letting Go of Wanting to Hold On

  1. gavmomof2 says:

    Your post brought back a flood of memories! It is such a bitter sweet step in the life of a mom, isn’t it? At least you have technology on your side, we didn’t! Needless to say, the reunion will be like the 4th of July in your heart. However, he may act all calm and cool until he gets home – it’s a “guy” thing. 🙂

    • abi says:

      My Mum, ever the dramatic, is fond of saying America robbed her of her daughter twice, and twice I broke her heart. The second time was coming up to five years ago when I moved over permanently. The first tho was when I got off the school bus at 14 having been on an exchange trip in California for 6 weeks. My Mum was waiting for her tearful reunion having completed redecorated my bedroom while I was away. Me? I get off and yell “Mum, England sucks – I am soooo going to live in America as soon as I can leave home!” There was also something about only eating pizza and drinking Coke now. What an ungrateful little cow!!! I so so hope my baby has more class than me!

      • gavmomof2 says:

        When I went to my other son’s parent/student college open house, they started a presentation with helicopters! I couldn’t understand the reason – of course, the topic was called “how to avoid being a Helicopter parent” oi! I think they were talking about me!!!

      • abi says:

        So I have to call off the squadrons of Blackhawks I’ve hired to follow her around? The Marines too?

      • gavmomof2 says:

        Yup! My husband recently asked, “are you a Blackhawk or a Sikorsky today?” 😳 can’t help it, I’m a mom!

      • abi says:

        Pah ha ha … I’m a Chinook …. seriously loud, more so than any other usefulness and prone to falling out of the sky when pushed too hard lol

    • Cynthia Matos-Medina says:

      The reunion was just like you said. I was all full of emotions and he was calm until he had to say, “I really miss you mami”.

  2. wildinvirginia says:

    Awww this made me sob… I’d have been a wreck. It’s already a standing joke round here that I’ll be plastered to the back of the school bus on the Bug’s first day of school … and she’s only two! I’m going to need you to talk me thru it because you’re the Mama I want to be.

    Now on another note. I am mere driving hours from D.C. Hubby’s home (you wouldn’t want me driving for any reason than a bankjob getaway – I’m still on the wrong side of the road over here), but anytime that newest little G Man looks less than happy, we’ll deploy Operation Spring Gabriel. You holler, I’ll be in the car in ten 🙂

    • Cynthia Matos-Medina says:

      I made you sob and you made me laugh as always.
      As far as you being plastered to the back of the school bus, just know that when the time comes for your baby to go to school, your baby would have prepared you for it. They have a way to let us know they are ready and as painful as it is for us, that’s what we want to happen 😉
      Now, be ready to deploy…you might get there faster than I can 😉
      Thank you so much my wonderful friend.
      xoxo

      • abi says:

        I am up, dressed (allbeit in sock monkey pj’s) and good to go …… wait, OK got tea, now I’m ready 🙂

      • Cynthia Matos-Medina says:

        You are the best. He made it back safe and sound, and I survived 😉

      • wildinvirginia says:

        Awwww so glad he’s home and you both made it through. Did he have a good time and how long did it take for him and his sister to start fighting lol?

        Happy you’re all back together again 🙂

      • Cynthia Matos-Medina says:

        He had a great time. They were so busy, he didn’t have time to get home sick. However, he came home sick. Almost all the kids came back with sinus infections. Antibiotics for ten days. But he’s home and I’m happy 😉

      • wildinvirginia says:

        Yukky souvenir … hope he feels better soon xo

  3. Milca benson says:

    Amazing sis! Made me tear up. You are doing great!

    • Cynthia Matos-Medina says:

      Thank you little sis. You are starting to experience the joy of motherhood. Soon you will give birth to my two nephews and that will mark the start of the most amazing relationship to be experienced. You will be an amazing mami. I love you princess xoxo

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