Category Archives: Self-Discovery

As Ugly as Shrek

Real Beauty
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, we’ve heard this many times and most of those times we use it to defend what we think is beautiful but doesn’t conform to the popular definition of beauty. I think I’m attractive, more so when I have make up on and hair is perfectly placed. People tell me I’m beautiful and sometimes I believe it, but there are times that I feel as ugly as Shrek.
You see? I’m my worst critic and if you ask me what’s wrong with me I can give you a list of things and body parts. My nose is too wide, my hands are too big, my butt is not firm enough, my hips are wiggling their way to Sunday and on and on and on. Why is it so hard for me to see what others see? It is so much easier to find beauty in someone else but myself and often forget that real beauty is the one inside.
I want my 9 year old gorgeous daughter to know how beautiful she is. I want her to be happy with all her body parts, big or small. I want her to understand that the real beauty lies within, that a giving heart and a grateful spirit surpass the illusion we define as beautiful. And I want my 11 year old son to value the real beauty in his future wife and friendships. I want him to crave it and treasure it.
I want my kids to find and conserve their real beauty because once they do, they’ll be able to see it in others too.

I am beautiful so cheers to that ūüėČ

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They Are Looking

photo (3)Today, as I drawn myself in the vast sea of images and news reports about the event that took place in Boston, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed and confused. Yes, I know that as Americans and as a country that has overcome and risen stronger from numerous tragedies, we are a resilient nation and know how to come together in moments like this. However, I can’t help but feel a very settle wind of fear and uncertainty specially when thinking about my children’s perspective of all this.
This morning while my son was getting ready for school, he turned on the news in my room. As I heard the tv I ran from the kitchen to my room to turn the tv off because I didn’t want him to have those images in his head specially before going to school. When I got to my room and told him why I didn’t want him watching too much of the news, he looked at me and with a very mature stare (which is really unbelievable the fact that I’m using the word mature when referring to my son) and told me, “Oh Mami, don’t worry. You want to know something? The thing I’ve noticed the most as I watch the news is how people put themselves at risk to help others. I noticed one guy who was bleeding but instead of running away he took off his shirt and wrapped it around another person who was also bleeding. That was nice of him. ” Little did that person know that an 11 year old boy would take notice of that small yet impactful act of kindness. Today my son is a better person because someone decided to put his neighbor first. Our kids are taking notice of the smallest things we most of the time overlook. We should always put others first because that’s the right way to live and love, but if that’s not enough, we should do it because they are looking.

Til next time,
Cynthia

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A “Thank You” Note To Dr. Carl June

photo (1)This is a note I wrote to Dr. Carl June a few months ago.

Dear Doctor June,
My name is Cynthia Medina. I reside in California. with my family.
For a long time my kids, Gabriel 10 and Camila 9, have said what they want to be when they grow up. Gabriel has told us that he is going to be a scientist that will invent a machine to stop me from getting old (you can just imagine how hopeful that makes me) :). On the other hand, Camila has always said that she will be a kid’s doctor and that she will find the cure for cancer. For a few years now we’ve gotten used to the idea; however, the other day something happened.
My son came home from school and sat on the computer to research a doctor from Japan that his teacher had been¬†talking about in class. My son told me that his teacher said this¬†Japanese¬†doctor was able to re-train a cancer cell to kill itself. To be honest with you, I haven’t read anything on it and we can’t even find anything about it online, but¬†my son¬†can’t stop talking about¬†it.¬† Now that my son knows that scientists can do these tricky things and can help people with their findings, he wants to be the one to find¬†a cure for cancer.¬† And there¬†goes my hope for eternal youth. During his research for the Japanese doctor, he came across your article “Chimeric Antigen Receptor-Modified T Cells in Chronic Lymphoid Leukemia”. ¬†He read a little bit and, together with me,¬†googled¬†most of it to be able to understand the terminology.¬†¬†Since¬†that day , he has been talking about Dr. Carl June.¬†
He is now working on a school project called “Using Your Wits”. For this project he has to pick a person and explain how he/she used his/her wits and what difference that has¬†made or will make in the world. Guess what Dr. June? My son has picked you. ¬†He is starting his report about Dr. Carl June, the¬†doctor who was able to cure a person from Leukemia.¬†
The reason for this¬†note is to let you know that you have inspired my son to be great. You have¬†enlightened¬†his young mind with wonder and desire. He wants to know more, he wants to do more and that’s because of what you have already accomplished. While you were working on your studies, you probably never thought a ten year old boy¬†was going to¬†read your article and would be inspired to do even greater things.
For that, I just want to thank you.
Sincerely,
Cynthia Medina
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I Dig It

I don’t know what’s going on with me but lately I have been thinking, more often than not, about every connection I make. I’m at a point in my life where I feel a sense of urgency. I feel as if I was running out of time and needed to make every minute count. Is a “don’t waste your time on what’s not important” ¬†kind of thing.

It’s been interesting in a way because now I find myself reflecting on every smile I give or get and every word exchange. ¬†I have become aware of meaningful connections.
Questions like, “why did I meet this person? Why did this person come into my life? Am I suppose to fulfill a purpose in this person’s life?”
I mean, what’s going on?
I didn’t want to link these feelings to the quickly approaching 40’s, just because I didn’t want to go there. ¬†Maybe I’m getting older after all! Didn’t see that one coming ūüôā

When I spoke with my therapist about what I was feeling she said that, considering this particular chronological time in my life, it sounded as if I was in or about to go through what she calls “transition period”, which some people also refer to as “midlife crisis.” ¬†“But I thought midlife crisis was about getting the red corvette and wanting to be twenty again” I said. ¬†She went on to explain what transition period is and how it is different for everybody.
Who knew, midlife crisis or “transition period” could actually be good. I’m trying to make each minute I’m in contact with someone count. ¬†If that’s what my midlife crisis is about, then I dig it ūüėČ CHEERS!
til next time,
Cynthia
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Double Yellow Lines

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My kids have been playing tennis for about five years. For five years I’ve been driving them to the club for practice, getting in and out and parking without ever thinking there is something wrong with the way I’m doing things, it’s all I know.

Well…on Friday I got pulled over by a cop as I pulled into the parking lot at the tennis club. “Oh no, what did I do?” I said out loud as I reassessed everyone in the car to make sure I hadn’t missed anything – like an unbuckled seatbelt or something. I got so nervous because I never get pulled over, that’s not supposed to happened to me. My armpits are tingling and sweating, I feel perspiration coming everywhere in my body and my heart is beating out of my chest as the officer approaches my car. “Ma’am ma’am ma’am you can’t make a left turn over double solid yellow lines and on top of it you stopped traffic, you could have caused an accident” all I wanted to say was “me don’t speak English” but I couldn’t…my kids were in the car and they would not let me get away with it. Anyway, all I could say was ” but I’ve been turning there for five years” to what he replied “yes ma’am but that doesn’t mean is not wrong and illegal.” He went on to ask me for license, registration and proof of insurance which I provided and then, after checking everything he let me go with just a warning.

Five years doing the exact same thing and never thought about it until this officer explains it and I actually see it clearly. I’ve been doing the same thing with myself for a long time, so long that it doesn’t feel wrong anymore. I’ve been so hard and cruel, demanding perfection and judging myself in such a way that is wrong. Demanding perfection as a mother, as a wife, as a woman. Trying to conform to what media says “beautiful” is. Trying to get validation by saying how exhausted I am at the end of the day to show how valuable I am as a stay home mom. With the stupid mentality that the more I do, the more I’m worth. Well, it’s time for me to tell myself “ma’am ma’am ma’am you can’t do that to yourself anymore and the fact that you’ve been doing it for so long doesn’t mean is not wrong”. It’s time to change the way I look at myself and my role as wife, mother and homemaker. It’s time to know who I am and not define myself by what I do. Yes, it’s about time.

Til next time,

Cynthia

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Unmasking The Mask

Have you seen the movie “The Mask”? ¬†You know, Jim Carey with a green face, acting wacky and silly? The movie is about a nice and normal guy, who one day finds an ancient mask. The funny part is that this mask, when worn, has several effects on the person wearing it. The effects are superhuman speed, crazy flexibility among popping eyes and other things. ¬†Well, I have a mask and like in the movie, my mask gives me powers. ¬†When I wear my mask people like me and accept me and ¬†that to me is pretty powerful. My motherhood journey is fueled by mask moments. Most of my adult life is filled with mask moments too.

My mask is SHAME. Shame (fear of reveling one true self) stops me from being vulnerable. ¬†If I’m not vulnerable then I can’t connect, but my existence depends on my connection to others because that’s how humans are wired. So, for that reason, I’m unmasking shame. This is who I really am:

I’m the most anti-social person

I’m shy and insecure

I yell at my kids almost every day (I think I didn’t yell last Sunday…oh wait)

I deal with self-image issues

I don’t know how to manage time

I don’t know how to communicate with my husband nor my kids

Most days I feel like I have no clue of what I’m doing

I constantly battle thoughts of inadequacy (like I mentioned in previous post)

I can’t keep up with house, husband and kids

I forget my kids’ doctors appointments

I forget to put sunblock on my kids

I feel like a failure because my singing career is not where I thought it would be by this time in my life.

I feel like I’m a mess

I’m always conscious about my accent, I feel people can’t understand me

This is just a small list but I think you get the point.

Since I was really young I’ve known that I want to make an impact in this world, to make a difference. I’ve known that I want to empower women of all ages to live up to their full potential. But, how can I do that if I don’t open myself up? How can I help others if they can’t really see me?

I am tired of wearing this mask. ¬†I am letting go of ¬†who I think I’m supposed to be and I going to embrace who I actually am. I have decided to be vulnerable and let you all see who I really am. ¬†I’m letting go of shame so you can see my face. I really hope that you’ll still like me but I want you to know that if you don’t, it’s totally ok.

On that note CHEERS!

til next time

Cynthia

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